turn-around day

i just hate that day, its the last day of one cruise and the first of other, the day before we have to clean really deep, trow every fruits, juices, and everything that its open away. We take all the passenger out just to receive new ones, reload of suplies for the next cruise, and finally, a nice welcome party at deck all 900 passengers are there, i doesnt sound like much actually, but it is.
its one of the longest, hardest and more painfull day of the cruise, but its nice, its a turnaround, a new day, new cruise and some times new working area or job.
i believed i hit my own turn-around day, i been holding this back for a while, but actually i been in this day long ago, i mean, im finally out my home, started in a job i never imagine i would be in, every thing is new, every thing is diferent, every thing have change, im not the same person i was, and i will never be, the problem is, i didnt do my deep cleaning, i was still hoping to get my life back, i left all the garbage in the floor, the juices still open and outside, i want to start over but im still dirty, its time to clean, to take all i dont need out of my life, all those thinkings that do no good to me, i been suffering for nothing at all, i have a life dream opportunity and i will not let it go, today is the day i will finally take control, i will do what ever i want, how ever i want it, will work hard for something, something i dont really care but it will help me later, today i'm letting it go, all that is holding me back, i will let it go, tomorrow, i will be everywhere and at the same time nowhere, will travel like i always what it, will enjoy every moment like its the last one, i will let myself flow, who ever that is, will do what the heart wants, even if that cause pain later, but i wont care, i will be heartless, will be finally a player in my life, a player with no limits but myself, who care about the next day, lets have some fun.

if i'm gone, would you remember me?

i ask that question some time ago, no satisfactory answer

well, i'm gone now, about 20 days and i think that was just enough; i heard before how the fear to be forgotten was there, and how the fact to be remember even after death was really important, i really dont care if someone remember me after im die, and i sopouse i dont care either if everyone forget about me right now cuz i just dont care in living no more.

it hurts when you cant make your dreams realities, but it hurts more when you dont have dreams at all, every thing is just pointless.

i never knew what i was going to do, i was just happy doing nothing, or running or playing tennis, even if that would take me no were, i was happy because i didnt know what was coming; i wake up of that dream, opened my eyes to the ugly truth, this reality, horrible thing that take me nowhere, get, i had a reason to continue, only one, the biggest thing that ever hapend to me, the most amazing, something i could never imagine, it was wonderful.

something change, dont know what, but that reason wasnt enough anymore, or thats what it seem, in the outside it looked like i was death, like i wasnt fighting, that i just gived up, but actually i was still in battle, an internal one, one that i still fighting, i still trying, when my one and only reason was taken from me, twice, this is the last one, no more reason to continue, today i quite facebook, hope someone notice it

....half slep at starbucks..

its been a while since i write in here i guess that the fact that i have no readers but you, and you havent write anything is not really insparing, but here is something just for you and only for you, hope you read it soon, locationt: we are at starbucks in mexico city; time: timeless for me; i really enjoy been with you, we two spoil brads, i love it, i just cant imagine been without you, but i know it just shoudnt be that way, idk but i like it, and i dont want even imagine how that would be, thanks for been with me, even if may not be right, im hopping everything will be get better and better, now that we are not alone, we have never been alone, just accepted and start enjoying it; honestly i have never been happier that today, i mean being aware of all the problems around us, im happy.

i think the only thing i want to do is to get in your head and know what you are thinking, to understand you better that i do it at this moment, it may never happen the way i want it, but i would love to do it this way, writting, you are amazing writer and like the girls in house md, its easier to say what you think if nobody is looking at you, so here i am telling you how im feeling, i will be writing this for you to know whats in me, and i hope you do the same, i dont care where we may be, if there's a ocean of a table between us, for me you will be always this close from me, as close as my lap is of me, you will be there, even if there is no internet, i will write to you, then i will send it to you when i get some signal, love, you are the best think have happend to me, i may shouldnt say that but so far i feel that way.

Im sorry if this sound curny or stipud but please consider that im extremely sentimental, and half slep at this momment.

sorry about the latte too ! forgive me love!

Mi versión de "Noche Estrellada": Day 1

Por fin deje lo suficientemente blanca la pared para empezar, dijo suficientemente porque aun no termino de pintar el cuarto de blanco, pero tanto blanco marea, y la verdad ya me cansé.

He ahí el la vista de la primera pared victima de mi visión torcida de las cosas. Mi primer mural (el primero de muchos espero) será mi versión del Van Gogh "Noche Estrellada", aun me pregunto cual será la primera en ser masacrada, la pared de mi bff, o el Van Gogh tan famoso, lo siento por ellos, bueno casi, aun así me muero de ganas de empezar la injusta matanza, ansío poder sacar de mi cabeza y de mis manos la imagen que tengo de como se debe ver el cuarto al terminar, mi versión sera rara al igual que yo, pero espero le guste a quien tomará el cuarto como estudio, también sea lo suficientemente agradable para poder pasar años enteros en él, sin desear salir corriendo, o perturbarse al verlo. Como sea, ya empecé y no tengo marcha atrás, pues como verán el diseño ya salió de mis manos:

Apenas se alcanza a apreciar pero estoy seguro que cuando lo termine será genial! Subiré fotos de como va progresando la salvajada. Otra cosa, se me metió en la cabeza hacer una salvajada peor con el muro de al lado. Verán, quise tomar el estilo que aplicaré en esta pared pero con ciertos cambios que espero no sean tan malos como me temo puedan salir, he aquí el diseño de tal brutalidad mía:

No me parece se alcance a ver, pero prefiero que sea así, aun no estoy del todo seguro de esta parte. Sólo espero no sea demasiado llamativo, pues no quiero desvíe atención de la pared frontal, y que harmonicen entre ambos.

No estoy seguro aun de como pasó, los diseños a pesar de tenerlos en mi mente, no los pensé, los sentí! fue casi irreal, la forma en la que los trazos groseros aparecían en mi lienzo blanco fue tan inesperada como mágica, no creo poder describir exactamente lo que se sintió, fue algo que quisiera experimentar siempre que pueda, algo a lo que podría ser adicto sin que me molestara, el placer y satisfacción que llegó después fue algo inolvidable, que no puedo esperar por encontrarlos de nuevo. Ni la sensación de control que adquieres al sostener una raqueta de tenis es tan perfecta como lo que experimente en esos momentos, I feel like katy perry when she kissed the girl and she liked it!

Meeting a Psycho ! sorry.. Psychic =P

Nothing could be better at my second day at work! I just find out I'm getting a email account, a new cel number, and my owns presentation card, but this is way better than that! Met a "psychic"!

Me=Naive! I practically am the most naive person i know, tell anything with big eyes and i will believe it!, if wouldn't be for the reading I been having of Dr. Paul Eckman, I would still believe anything, including this psychic, well i confuse her!

She want to get a house where I'm working, but is kinda cheap (lived in canada for 20 years, that should explained), but she charge like she knew what she was doing. This russian old lady do the same thing my bff do. Reading the persons personality and qualities through the eyes, and she is good, but not any better than my bff.

This psycho, sorry psychic, told me the same things my bff told me almost 5 years ago, nothing new, nothing you can not see when you meet me, I kinda like her (told me i was really smart for my age, and that i have good heart, even if its not true i don't care, thats enough for me xD).

Also told me how loved i was for my family, and that i was the younger one (things really easy to know when you meet me, you may not affirm it but believe it.) Anyway, that's all she got right, now let me tell you what she get just close, but come on! anyone can't throw rocks to the air like she did.

First strike: "Did your grand mother die?" .. X !!!! Not even close! yes they are old, around 80's, so yeah, of curse they are sick! and dying too, but my grandmothers are healthier than my grandfathers, so, i told her that one was really bad lately, i even went to say good bye, that woman really nicely [sarcasm](that's my sarcasm sign xD) "but not worry he's going to die, get ready for it". Really touch my heart[sarcasm].

Second strike: "You have a nice family"...XX!!!! Foul ball!!. Yes they love me, yes they would do anything for me, but, we are more separated than the state and the church! my father called my house for a couple years the babel tower, everyone have a different religion, but i believe that the babel tower fits cuz we do not understand each other in anything !! My dad left, my sis too, and i hardly see my mother and my other sis, the bastard i hope never see him again ¬¬ and if anyone call him my brother do not dare to talk to me again.[NO sarcasm].

Third strike: this was a combo of so many different wrong ideas she mention. XXX!! OUT!!

Where to begin? Said i have a great future but not were i was, that job was not for me, well, let me tell you something about me that i love and my bff said im meant to be, a salesperson!, the sales are my strong point, and i always wanted to be in the real state world! So i don´t know how this is not going to work out.

Her bigger mistake was the next, try to find out if someone close to me had die. Contradicting herself so many times that i couldn't keep counting them! here what i remember:

Someone close to you/do not have to be close to you

A grandfather, even great grandfather/a friend you lost in a accident?

They (the dead dudes) get upset if we don't remember them/we(the live dudes) do not remember them, thats why they go with her to say hello so we will remember them.

I could count those alone has the 3 strikes xD, but that was while she insisted again and again if someone had die, psycho! come on! face it! you have one wrong! no need to die! one mistake usually happen!! but she kept asking...

if you said as many thing as she did, you MUST have one right! I was so clear and the same time so not open to let her read me that i got her CONFUSE! i was so happy xD!!!

Now.. the things she should see but she didn't! The reason i left school!, she told me to come back to it but could see that i have no intention to get back soon. She did not talk about my dad, wish is usually the nightmares of girls, in guys, is the mother, thats why she focus on her, yes she get that i look like her, good one, but easy xD.

I forgot the others but i guess they were not that important =P

Finally! the lies i saw from her!!!

actually was only one, she said: "I rather have a good health than money" at the same time she try to say and see no evil, so she got in the middle, hesitating, NOUSE TOUCH! twice!!!!! you psycho!!! i dare to say she knows how fake she is, and only pretend to talk to the dead to get the BIG FAT BLOODY MONEY!

I'm so happy cuz i even lied to her and she didn't notice it xD, I fool her! i didn't want to uncover her fake show cuz we still hopping she buys a house =P.

In a few words, if you want a psychic reading, no need to pay! my bff and i can do it even better than her xD, without making you believe we talk with your dead father =P, we also charge less for it xD..

Wanna try it?? =D

draws!

El callejón lo nombre, no tengo la mas minima idea de donde sea, y la verdad no importa, solo una imagen que me encantó y decidi que seria buena idea dibujarla(no se porque, solo me gusto), primer error...

el segundo error fue el tamaño, esa cosa es un monstruo! esta enorme!, el trabajo mas grande que e hecho y visto a lápiz, apenas cabe en mi maletín, es un show meterlo y sacarlo para llevarlo conmigo, y ni se diga el trabajo que me costó hacerlo, las lineas de los edificios empezaban rectas, les salia panza y volvian a donde deberian de pasar, o se ivan de lado.. los edificios de la izquierda parecian caerce! not nice at all! i blame the size!

Apesar de eso, he ahí el trabajo finalizado y firmado por mi con fecha del (la verdad no se pero fue del año pasado) se podria decir que fue mi trabajo final a lápiz. lo mas descarado que me he atrevido a realizar, angulos exagerados, detalles en piedra sin control, madera donde menos te imaginarias que hay, barandales colgando de a punto de caer, tejados con vida propia, puertas sin luz, sin salida, ventanas que te atrapan hacia lo mas oscuro del cuadro, cielo desubicado, no sol, sin embargo es de día, se sabe por la presencia de las sombras perdidas, y al como adorno final, la cereza del pastel, que en este caso son dos.. un animal porcino al final de callejón, su rostro esta hay si saber donde esta, desorientado sin saber a donde ir solo se queda en el rincón viendome a lo lejos, mientras yo lo miro, solo yo al parecer, empiezo a creer que es solo una ilusión, un mensaje subliminal, un espectro que solo me acosa a mi, ( al parecer siempre aparece algo asi en todos mis dibujos, tan discretos que solo yo los veo, que solo yo los odio ). Al lado izquierdo de la puerta central del edificio al lado derecho se ubica un cuadro, eso esta ahi, pero es solo eso? no para mi, un reflejo, un hombre y una mujer, tan cerca del uno del otro que parecieran uno solo, incapaz de percibir donde termina uno y el otro empieza, tan delicadamente ubicados, como si hubieran sido con toda la intensión alguna, ahí están, formando un corazón en el espejo, usando solo sus cuerpos.

¿como es que terminaron ahí? estaran tambien perdidos? no lo creo, pareciera el lugar perfecto para declarar su amor, pero, no son lo suficiente para aparecer en el cuadro principal a la vista de todos? estan escondidos, como si no quisieran ser vistos, pero estan ahí! los ven? seria lindo pensar que no solo yo los veo, significaria que yo los alusino, y como siempre digo.. el que tiene hambre en tortillas piensa.. el cerdo te la creo que me lo quisiera comer, probablemente tenia hambre cuando lo dibuje, pero.. los enamorados? que se supone que debo de pensar, lo ke me entristece es el hecho que aunque yo no sea el único invadiendo su privacidad, yo fui quien los puse ahí! consiente o no, me pierdo cuando estoy tras el papel, y la verdad no importa pues .. aun así los vi y los descubrí, aunque el resto del mundo no los vea.. me siento como candance..."mama mama, mira lo que mis hermanos hicieron!!.." cuando llega la mama siempre esta como si no hubiera pasado nada!! frustrante!..

Como sea.. esto fue inesperado, no pensaba escribir nada de lo que acaban de leer, solo quería publicar uno de mis dibujos favoritos, al verlo y al analizarlo las palabras fueron desprendiéndose de mis dedos, sin mi permiso alguno, sin control, sin importar la ortografía, solo escribieron, y ahora que los alabo se quedan sin palabras por unos segundos, como si no quisiera que hablara bien de mi mismo, por que? whatever! despues subire mas fotos y describiré mis fantasmas, los que solo veo yo, a lo que odio tanto, los que me dicen que nadie gastaría en algo hecho por mi..

blah....blahblah...blahblah!

Dont tell me you hear something else when your parents are talking to you?? if not.. you should!

Charlie Brown's cartoons were nothing but right! i mean, when they wanna talk to us, who really wanna listen? hope no one! they always talk about the same! is like they have no theme for conversation, actually is not a conversation, is a monologe!(dont know if thats right..when they talk alone and never listen)

-hey son, i wanna talk to you.. NO!!!!! they dont wanna talk with you!!! they wanna give you a speech about something you did! (good of bad.. it doesnt matter!!.. but if is something good they make it look bad! and if were bad they make you feel so bad about it!!) or they wanna share with you something they think, honestly i dont care anymore what they think! unless is not about me..

All my life i listen NO word out of them, really! they speak but i was somewere else! it was so bad that i dont remember any speech of them.. and because of that i share nothing personal about me to them! i always thoug that was how is sopouse to be!! But great surprice i get when i realice it was not natural !!

Anyway in last 4 years the things that come out of every parent i know (mines and my friend's) is this: They open the mounth for one of these three reason.. sometimes changes the order of importance but the effect is the same

-Give advice.. yes! like good parents they are they wanna instruct us! in other words... TELL US WHAT TO DO WITH OUR LIFE!!! yes... without them we wouldnt be here but come on!!! i wasnt wanted!! i was and accident!! my alcoholic F could have childrens after his 35 cuz didnt work(yes, the alcohol didnt let him) then he was dying! stopped drinking for a couple years and then.. waula!!! here i am!, i just couldnt believe my F when he say how happy he was having me! And i know why! when i was 2 years old he cheated on my mother and have an other child! (find out about that last summer) i dont really wanna talk about my M but... she left 16 months! (i know it cuz really damage my F. and he counted them, im gonna talk about that later) then they get divorse, at less they are trying,.. well my F. Remember the bastard(the other child)? well.. he is now living with his mother and giving them everything they never have.. he said that, but all they want is his money and he always gave them. My M do not want the divorse cuz she still wanna live with my F, i have no idea what is in their head and i dont wanna know! they make a mess their life and of curse ours.. but just cuz they are olders have the idea that what they say to us is better and good for our future!.. SURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-talk about themselves. Lucky for all of us seem to be only one that do that, and the other never do it(may be good, may be not, depends i guess) i M couldnt take it any longer, my F never left that whore, sorry, teacher, that he has a bastard with, so she left ALONE! not with her lil kids!! (me 18, my sis 24) okey not lil but still we also wanted to leave, my sis already did and she is so happy about it!. not only that, my M have to leave for 16 months to the other side! not the other side of the wall(to the states) but to the other side of the lil lake(europe) germany actually, i officially hate that country. how that make me fell? i have no idea! i never talk about that with my F, he was to bussy with his new, not wait old!, no but new.. ah whatever¬¬ with the bastard and the whore.. and also was really occupy thinking in all the damage my M did to him! You stupid old MAN!! you cheat on her and espect to be your slave forever??? I just remember my F crying drunk as bloody heck! saying.. im suffering so much!! can you see!!? yeah i see it, im fine thanks for asking!

Thats my personal experience, the worse is his cousing of third generation... my bff mother! im not talking about her selfish and stupid adtitud! all i have to say is this... SHUT UP! but i cant say that, cuz im going to make her suffer, and them she would yell at me and start talking for hours about all her misery!

-MONEY! - I'm poor, - i have no money!- i need to sell the house! - the money is not enough for me... and the list of phrases about the lack of money goes forever! its endless, sadly they only repeat the sameones... it really doesnt matter wich one they use.. they all have the same effect...

A house 2 floors: 2.3 million of pesos ( on sale )

A working track: No idea but got sold

A luxury car : 100 thousand pesos (on sale)

A Brand new house (get it for my M then rented) : thinking on traspass it

Money Problem : Priceless and Endless!!!

Yes!! they all have money isues, but when are they going to stop smoking?? that stupid think almost kill me! cost over 100 pesos daily and yet.. cant stop smoking!( a childish trauma that never got over it and ended in that adiction) the sad part is that they are going to kill everyone around them smoking before they get cancer¬¬. Or what about alcohol? no idea how much they can spend on drinks, i just know that is a lot!, LOTS!! Or whores??? i wonder in wich one they spend more.. okey not really wonder that, his last whore gave him a bastard and now he feel like a good father for him and wanna sustain that house too.. IF YOU DONT HAVE MONEY, OUR THE BLOODY HECK YOU CAN AFFORT TRAVELS TO US AND TWO FAMYLIES!!???? of curse they cant, thats why he dont wanna pay anything for us anymore...

So.. why we whouldnt just listen BLAH when they are talking, is more educative that those 3 matter! there are more but.. i would not sleep if i keep talking about all of them and explain every lil detail.. think about your parents and tell me... do you really listen to them?? you should NOT!! all they are doing is our life miserable, let us with a huge trauma hard to get over it, and them tell us how useless we are and proclaim is our own foul! cuz they are so perfect ¬¬

BLAH......BLAHBLAH......BLAHBLAH ... if we were in charlie brown cartoon, we would only hear that... how sweet that sounds??? =D